So Jealous
by LifeIChose
Summary: Brooke deals with the aftermath of the high school shooting and its effect on her relationship with Lucas and to a lesser extent Peyton.


**A/N:** Kind of random. Saw an old episode of OTH, Season 3 after the shooting, today and wanted to write. I remembered that's when I started to dislike the show as I could feel what they were going to do to BL. So I got on the computer and wrote this and am thinking of doing a companion piece.

This chapter sort of jumps around from that episode after the shooting and the season finale.

* * *

_I don't want to be part of the problem_

_I try so hard to get roughed up_

_Fists on up, it looks that easy_

_Looks that way to you_

_Looks that way to me_

_------_

He's hurting, she gets that. She can't even imagine the kind of pain that he must be in and that's part of the issue. That she's never suffered that kind of loss and that he knows that.

"_You weren't there."_

She wasn't in the school. She hasn't lost a parent. Peyton has. Peyton was there. He doesn't say it and neither does she. But sometimes silent words are louder than those spoken and they both hear it.

So maybe she doesn't understand the same way Peyton does but she gets it. Peyton issues aside, she gets it. He's hurting and she loves him. She doesn't want to add to his pain.

But her heart is breaking and it shatters a little more every time she sees Peyton. Because Lucas won't stop talking to her and because Peyton is being a complete bitch. Just like last time that they kissed, Peyton begs for forgiveness for a few seconds before acting like she's the wronged party.

So she yells at him and pushes. Even as she tells him that she is holding on to dear life, she pushes. And he doesn't get it. Her tears, her anger over the kiss with Peyton, he sees it as her pushing away; her looking for a way out.

She walks away and later she has to admit, by the wedding maybe she had already given up. She has to admit that she started saying goodbye to Lucas the moment he saved Peyton.

"_But I guess there was something else that made you feel better in that library. My boyfriend. And I guess I can't hold it against him, can I? I mean the boy I love protected the girl I love. And it's the girl he loves too."_

Peyton denies it then and Brooke tries to believe her. For the sake of her already fragile heart and for the sake of her relationships with Peyton and Lucas but a part of her is already seeing the end.

* * *

_I get so jealous that I can't even work_

_I get so jealous that I can't even work_

_----------_

There is a way that Peyton needs Lucas that worries Brooke. And after the shooting, she sees that he needs Peyton too. While Brooke turns herself inside out trying to be there for Lucas, Peyton doesn't need to try. Because Lucas is already turning to her.

-----

_I don't know why it's become such a problem_

_Keep you up all night if I try to remain calm_

_How can they ask how I feel so angry_

_Do you see my problem if I never explain it_

_----_

Peyton's confession consumes her. As soon as Peyton tells her of her feelings for Lucas she knows with certainty that her and Lucas are done. There is no coming back from this. Still she holds on to him for a little while. Kisses him deep and tries to imprint herself on his soul as he moves on top of her. But when he falls asleep, she can't join him. She traces his outlines and tries to remember the way she feels when he's inside her. It's more than being sexually fulfilled; she feels loved. She's complete. She knows she will never get that feeling from sleeping with someone again.

She can't sleep and he wakes up to her tossing and turning. He holds her close and still her movements.

"What's wrong?" he asked with a voice laced with sleep but also genuine concern.

His blue eyes are squinting down at her and she almost tells him.

But she knows that he will fight her, try to do the right thing and tell her that Peyton's words don't mean anything.

She's tired of fighting and he's too broken for her to make him fight for her again. So she kisses him once more and tells him she loves him. And when he whispers that he loves her too and wraps his arms around her, in the safety of his bed, for the first time in a long time she doesn't feel jealous.

* * *

After the funeral while she grieves over a man who showed her more kindness in a short time than her own father and for the family that has lost this man, she sees the way Lucas relates to Peyton and it makes her ache with envy. She hates herself a little bit for it. Lucas just lost his _father_ and Peyton is nursing a gun injury but she is worried about how they look at each other. About how being in the school together has tied them back closer together.

"_I wish that it was me. I know that's horrible, and I know it's selfish but…. I watched you rescue Peyton and you told me you rescued Dan. Sometimes I just wish you could rescue me."_

"_Come here. You're something, you know that? I'm the one that gets shot and you're the one that needs consoling."_

Lives have literally been shattered and she is bringing up old insecurities. She knows how Lucas and Peyton must view her and she hates herself for reinforcing the shallow vision of her that they despite their love of her have always held.

----

_There I am in the morning_

_I don't like what I see_

_There I am in the morning_

_I don't like what I see_

_-----_

She can feel it ending; her and Lucas. He can to but he doesn't understand it.


End file.
